Today, I Turn 30.

Today, I turn 30. It is very odd and sereal. I still feel like I am 16 waking up at dawn to drive my truck around the block. I still feel 13 and out of place. I still feel 19 and wondering when will life feel less like capativity. I still feel 23 and feeling like I had wasted my college years. I still feel 17 when all the world was mine and mine alone. I still feel 26 when I became one of one. I still feel 12 when I ripped my new sweatshirt and went midnight bowling at 9. I still feel 14 running through an African grassland with my shirt off and glowing liquid on my bare chest and living breathing the run under stars so bright you had to squint. I still feel all of my ages all combined and blended together and then sorted out with a very thorough hand. I am all of them and none of them all at once and then never again because I am now another year. And time keeps sprinting trying with each step to keep up with a world that is spinning at 1000 mph and never seems to tire. I am 30 now and nothing can stop that. I am 30 now and do not really know what that means. It feels happy and sad and dense like a Billie Holiday song; if you get close enough to the speakers you can almost feel the tears leaking through in big, watery decibles, but you are not sure if they are from heartache or the sight of something so beautiful that it hurts and makes you so thankful that you can cry. It is not just a number today, it is now part of who I am and I am part of it. Today, I am 30.